Thursday, December 06, 2007

I need a back rub.

A month ago, my husband entered my name in a drawing for a free massage. A week later, I got a call from Susie with Turban* Chiropractic and Acupuncture in Morton, Illinois. Having recently survived The Consumption (the doctor called it bronchitis, but I think he was just trying to avoid reporting to the CDC), I jumped at the chance to have a massage. Especially one I didn't have to pay for.

So yesterday afternoon at 2pm I arrived, and was immediately given medical history forms. I've had massages other places where I've done similar paperwork, so I filled them out, skipping the insurance info section. When I turned them in, they asked me if I wanted to give them that info, so they could check with my insurance to see what chiropractic it pays for. Since I'm not in the market for a chiropractor, I declined. They tried again, I declined again.

Then the girl called me back, and took me to a room with a desk. No massage in here. I began to get irritated. I should have walked out then and gone to the yarn store. They left me alone in this office to watch a 5-minute video about how great chiropractors are. When over, the gal came back in, and interrogated me about all my aches and pains. I was then led to an exam room. Again, the urge to go yarn shopping struck.

I should have listened to my instincts. The Dr came in, gave me a thorough evaluation, told me of my high hip, my probable neck misalignment, and how he could put my rib back in (the break from a few weeks ago apparently "threw out a rib") and proceeded to try to truck me off for x-rays.

X-rays?? I'm here for a massage! You know: soft music, low lights, a masseuse?

Anyway, after a pretty hard sell on the x-rays (and of course, follow up care and payment plans), which I resisted, he deemed me eligible for the massage. He gave me a <5-minute "trigger point massage," then took me back to a cubicle with an aqua massage table. This was not one of the fancy types you see in the mall: this was a blue Naugahyde bench, whose upper half resembled a water bed. I laid down on it, he turned it on, and I sat through 15 minutes of loud jets of water pummelling me in the neck back and, because I'm a touch short, my butt cheeks. Have I mentioned that while sitting there, I was staring at two bare fluorescent light bulbs (the shop light tube-types).

I think I sprained an eyeball from all the eyerolling. I wonder if he can fix eye sprains, too. If, by chance, you win a free massage from Turban Chiropractic in Morton, IL, do not bother. You should just go fondle some yarn.

Speaking of yarn, I finished something last week. I made the Easy Triangle Shawl from Lion Brand's website. It was started at my church's weekly charity knitting group, but I don't know who I should give it to. Meanwhile, my daughter loves to wear it around. I stopped knitting after the ninth repeat, as I was bored of it. (I'm horrible about that) But between my premature bind-off, and the fact that I cannot block it (it's acrylic), it's just not really big enough to snuggle up in. Live and learn, I guess. Regardless, it is actually rather pretty in person, and I just might knit the pattern again in a yummy yarn.

* Name changed to protect the pushy.

1 comment:

  1. You're right. Those free gimmicks are the pits. I once almost signed up for a free meal at a restaurant until I noticed the fine print that would have sent a salesman to my house. I think he was selling aluminum siding! Live and learn.